Style Invitational Week 1108: Hearts of dorkness — your funny valentine Plus the winners of our contest for three-letter abbreviations (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers January 22 *To my Costco cashier:* *If you would be my one true guy* *I’d stand in line for days and days.* *Since without you I can’t buy* *My 15-gallon mayonnaise.* (Andrew Hoenig, Week 645, 2006) *From Poseidon to Medusa: Oh, how I’d love to run my fingers through your snakes.* (Lloyd Duvall, Week 544, 2004) We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day in a Loserly way: by running a contest that asks for you to write valentines in January, with results that run a whole week after the holiday, like a forlorn box of chocolates on the clearance rack at Rite-Aid. SURGICAL IMPRECISION: No Valentine’s heart, but can we interest you in a “call bladder”? This week’s second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Prompted by Loser Daphne Steinberg’s suggestion on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, the Empress discovered that the Invite had done three valentine contests — but none since 2006. So this week we’ll combine elements from the earlier ones for another go: *Write a humorous Valentine’s Day sentiment to someone (or to some organization), either real or fictional — either from you or from someone else you name,* as in the missives above. *Plus an all-new option: We’ll also be willing to run at least one really funny, clever, well-executed graphic* (make sure you don’t use copyrighted art, and send it as an attachment to your e-mail). Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a colorful foam puzzle of the digestive system, donated by registered nurse and registered Loser Marleen May. Without even bothering to reach for a scalpel, you or your child can yank out a human liver, rectum or even “call bladder.” Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either “The Wit Hit the Fan” or “Hardly Har-Har.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 2; results published Feb. 22 (online Feb. 19). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include “Week 1108” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: * The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . In Week 1104, we asked you to compare or contrast two or three things (or somehow link them, when we’re feeling lenient) that have the same three-letter abbreviation, or are three-letter words. We did this contest last year with abbreviations from AAA through DZZ; this time we have the EAAs-through-HZZs. Sometimes the abbreviation is for a foreign spelling that we’re not going to spell out because it is Eesti Olumpiakomitee. 4th place *EAA:* The*Experimental Aircraft Association* is /not/ the official carrier of the *European Actuarial Academy. *(Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place *GSA: *The*Geological Society of America *has experts on geysers. The *Gerontological Society of America* has experts on geezers. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2nd place and the fossilized dinosaur poop: *EPA: *Majority leader: “Senator, among the *Equal Pay Act,* the *Environmental Protection Agency* and *English Pale Ale,* you may keep only one.” Ted Cruz: “Cheers!” (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: *HDP:* The law firm *Harness, Dickey & Pierce* and *high-density polyethylene:* “High-Density Polyethylene” would make a lousy title for a porn flick. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Barking up the wrong 3s: honorable mentions *FAC:* Members of the *First Apostolic Church* are theists. Members of the *Freethought Association of Canada* are eh-theists. (Chris Doyle) *HDF: Hadfield Railway Station* and *high-density fiberboard: *Where can I get the best ham sandwich on the British Railway and what does it taste like? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *HPD: Histrionic personality disorder* and*highest posterior density:* Both make these letters a great title for Kim Kardashian. (Chris Doyle; Frank Osen) *GMA: “Good Morning America”* and *“Good Morning Australia”:* The difference between them is day and night. (Kristen Rahman) *ENS: Empty-nest syndrome* and *empty-nose syndrome:* In both cases, the little boogers are gone. (Chris Doyle) *GGB: Greek government bond* and *Golden Gate Bridge: * If you would buy one, then perhaps I could also interest you in buying the other. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *And also: * The Golden Gate keeps you /above/ water. (Kristen Rahman) *EOK:* The *Estonian Olympic Committee* and the *Hellenic Basketball Federation:*One is a bunch of guys in Tallinn, Estonia; the other is a bunch of guys who are tall in Greece. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *GFS:* The *Girls Friendly Society* and the *Global Financial System: *You don’t want to crash the second one. (Mark Raffman) *FCA: Financial collection agency* and *Funeral Consumers Alliance:* I see debt, people. (Chris Doyle) *FSA:* A *Fellow of the Society of Antiquaries* studies ancient relics — like members of the *Florida Shuffleboard Association.* (Chris Doyle) *EAU:* If you say *“eau,” *you’re in French; if you say *“European Association of Urology,”* urine English. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *ETS:* The *Evangelical Theological Society* and the *Educational Testing Service:* Both involve rooms of people beseeching God for the Answer. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *HSI: High-speed Internet *and *horizontal shaft impactor:* One is how we find porn. The other is why. (Rob Huffman) *EAT:* If you’re in the shrinking middle class, your *earnings after taxes *might leave you barely able to do this. (Frank Mann) *GNU:* The difference between*a * *wildebeest* and the*free software collaboration group* is that the wildebeests make better dinner party guests. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *GLB:* The differences between the *gay, lesbian and bisexual* community and the *Girls’ Life Brigade* Christian youth organization are fewer than you would think. (Todd DeLap) *GMT: * With *geometric measure theory:* Here’s looking at Euclid. With the *Giant Magellan Telescope:* Here’s looking at Uranus. (Chris Doyle) *GAG*: A device to prevent speech and, ironically, a laugh-provoking act: Both refer to how people see China’s attempt to ban puns. (Frank Osen) *HRA: Health risk assessment *and *home runs allowed*: With both, the more people you let score, the worse off you’ll be. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) ** *GAL: “Get a life”* and *a galileo,* a unit used measuring local variations in the acceleration of gravity: For some reason, whenever I start talking about the latter, I hear the former. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *FCI: Federal correctional institution* and *French Culinary Institute.* The first does not use Gruyère in the sauce mornay. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *HSA:* The *Haiku Society of America* and the *Homeland Security Act:* Suspicious package? Call us! We already know Your number, neighbor. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *FWM: * *Four-wave mixing, *an intermodulation phenomenon in nonlinear optics that will never be understood by . . . (*Frank William Mann, *Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our biennial “joint legislation” contest in which you combine the names of members of Congress. See bit.ly/invite1107. *